JourneywomanLearning to say 'no'
June 25th 2008 01:37
About two years ago I was asked on a date by a guy I knew only as an acquaintance, who happened to be in a wheelchair. I was somewhat shocked at the request, and in no way attracted to him, but for some reason I just couldn't say no. Looking back I see that it was a combination of him putting me on the spot, and me feeling unusually charitable at that particular moment. I assumed that he was just a nice guy in a wheelchair, and that in some way it was my civic duty to show him a fun night.
But while I saw the date as nothing more than dinner with a potential new friend, he saw it as the start of a relationship. I'm quite certain that I'm the only girl who'd ever said yes to him, and because of this he assumed that I was attracted to him also. He put a massive effort into the date, getting a friend to drive us, getting his hair cut into a 'funky' (read: awful) new style, and generally putting on a huge show rather than just being relaxed and natural.
Sadly, I soon discovered that he was not simply a nice guy in a wheelchair - he was an egotistical, sexist, homophobic guy in a wheelchair! By the end of that pity date I was thoroughly sick of him, though of course I didn't show it (I'm nothing if not polite) and I gave him a perfunctory kiss on the cheek as I said goodnight.
It made for a great story - my female friends thought I'd done a really good thing by going out with him, my male friends, however, thought differently. One of them told me that in accepting the date I'd led him on, and that if I thought I'd heard the last of it, I was mistaken.
He was right, of course. Wheelchair guy called me the following day, assuming that things had gone brilliantly even though all he got at the end of the night was a lacklustre, friends-only kiss on the cheek. He wanted to see me again and this time I said no, saying that I'd had a fun night but that I wasn't into him as more than a friend. He refused to accept this information and over the course of the next few days, would call me again and again, wanting to meet up. Finally I gave in and agreed to see him during the day at a cafe, so I could explain my situation in detail and so that he would understand and accept it.
I did so, making my intentions clear as a bell whilst trying not to insult him, but the very fact that I'd agreed to 'go out' with him a second time seemed to him further confirmation that I was interested in him as more than a friend. This guy is not an idiot, he just has a very well-tuned denial system. He refused to believe what I was saying - the egotism showing itself in full force - and I left without having made any progress whatsoever.
He continued calling and texting me, and all I could do from then was ignore him and refuse to return his calls. If you ignore something for long enough, it goes away, right? In the end, he must have finally got the hint, because he did stop calling. But he must have felt hugely rejected because he began to slander me behind my back. Whenever I saw him in social situations and said a casual, indifferent 'hello', he would turn away angrily. In the end, by not saying 'no' to him in the first place, I'd made a huge mess of things and probably really hurt him, which isn't fair even if the guy is an arrogant prick.
So what's the moral of this story? If someone asks you out and you know that you are not, and never will be, attracted to them, you need to say no. Sure, you might cause a little hurt in the short term with your hasty rejection, but it's far better than making them believe that they stand a chance with you. It takes guts to say no - especially if you are initially shocked at the request - but it's a necessary evil. You'll save yourself a lot of hassle, and spare the other person's feelings in the long run.
But while I saw the date as nothing more than dinner with a potential new friend, he saw it as the start of a relationship. I'm quite certain that I'm the only girl who'd ever said yes to him, and because of this he assumed that I was attracted to him also. He put a massive effort into the date, getting a friend to drive us, getting his hair cut into a 'funky' (read: awful) new style, and generally putting on a huge show rather than just being relaxed and natural.
Sadly, I soon discovered that he was not simply a nice guy in a wheelchair - he was an egotistical, sexist, homophobic guy in a wheelchair! By the end of that pity date I was thoroughly sick of him, though of course I didn't show it (I'm nothing if not polite) and I gave him a perfunctory kiss on the cheek as I said goodnight.
It made for a great story - my female friends thought I'd done a really good thing by going out with him, my male friends, however, thought differently. One of them told me that in accepting the date I'd led him on, and that if I thought I'd heard the last of it, I was mistaken.
He was right, of course. Wheelchair guy called me the following day, assuming that things had gone brilliantly even though all he got at the end of the night was a lacklustre, friends-only kiss on the cheek. He wanted to see me again and this time I said no, saying that I'd had a fun night but that I wasn't into him as more than a friend. He refused to accept this information and over the course of the next few days, would call me again and again, wanting to meet up. Finally I gave in and agreed to see him during the day at a cafe, so I could explain my situation in detail and so that he would understand and accept it.
I did so, making my intentions clear as a bell whilst trying not to insult him, but the very fact that I'd agreed to 'go out' with him a second time seemed to him further confirmation that I was interested in him as more than a friend. This guy is not an idiot, he just has a very well-tuned denial system. He refused to believe what I was saying - the egotism showing itself in full force - and I left without having made any progress whatsoever.
He continued calling and texting me, and all I could do from then was ignore him and refuse to return his calls. If you ignore something for long enough, it goes away, right? In the end, he must have finally got the hint, because he did stop calling. But he must have felt hugely rejected because he began to slander me behind my back. Whenever I saw him in social situations and said a casual, indifferent 'hello', he would turn away angrily. In the end, by not saying 'no' to him in the first place, I'd made a huge mess of things and probably really hurt him, which isn't fair even if the guy is an arrogant prick.
So what's the moral of this story? If someone asks you out and you know that you are not, and never will be, attracted to them, you need to say no. Sure, you might cause a little hurt in the short term with your hasty rejection, but it's far better than making them believe that they stand a chance with you. It takes guts to say no - especially if you are initially shocked at the request - but it's a necessary evil. You'll save yourself a lot of hassle, and spare the other person's feelings in the long run.
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Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
I wonder if he had liked you for a long time? Maybe he has a different point of view?
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
He'd only known me for a few weeks but was quite taken with me - he even called my brother to find out what my favourite kind of restaurant was, what I liked to drink and so on! I think he just had really high expectations and I all-too-casually dashed them. I'm far more experienced with dating than he is and I didn't really give it enough thought.
Thanks for commenting mate.
Comment by Lara M
Love Speaks
I think it's generally inaccurate to assume that every first date will lead to another, or even something more. Unless you were leading him on (which I read that u didn't...) it's really his ego that he has to deal with...
Hmmm...can you really know that u won't be attracted to them?... I once accepted a date from a guy that I NEVER for the life of me thought I'd be attracted to him but we ended up going out for a good number of months. Things didn't work out...but the attraction did manifest after that first date...
Dating is after-all suppose to be fun...and we gather much intelligence along the way
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Something similar happened to me many moons ago. I worked with a guy and thought we were just friends. He asked me out for some food and I said yes, thinking it was casual and just as friends. When I saw the place he'd booked, it was obvious it wasn't how I thought it was going to be.
The night was awkward (I'm no good at that sort of stuff). He asked me out again and so I said I just wanted to be friends. I know I said it nicely as I was so meek it took all my courage to say that. He then got angry and sent me several letters saying I was an awful person who led him on etc. It was awful.
Hmmm
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
You're right that you can never really know if you'll be attracted to someone, in all cases except, for me, guys in wheelchairs... it's not disabled people in general (I could easily be with a guy who was missing an arm, for example) but I need to be with someone who can share in my active lifestyle - ski, ride horses, go to the beach etc - and who I feel can protect me, rather than me having to take care of him.
Yes, dating is meant to be fun, and a way of deciding whether you want to be with that person in the future. If only it wasn't so fraught with difficulty too...
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
He must have just really liked you and couldn't face the idea that you weren't into him. How arrogant and immature! You'd think that if he really liked you, he'd want to save face by just accepting it and pretending it was no big deal.
For me, if I ever do accept another date from a guy I'm not into, I'll put in the proviso beforehand that yes, I'd love to get a meal with him, but just as friends. If attraction does develop later on, then so be it.
Comment by Joanne Fedler
Secret Writers Business
You handled it exactly right. I think honesty is important, but I also think kindness and compassion go a long way. If he'd been a spectacular guy, you'd have gone out with him again? He turned out to be a dud - the fact that he was in a wheelchair just gave him an excuse to blame you.
An interesting post, made me think.
Jo
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
I had no idea you were an orbler - I read Things Without a Name just last week and absolutely loved it!! It made me cry, it was that moving; I felt totally connected with Faith and loved how you used the names of actual people who'd died at the hands of others for your characters. Top stuff.
Comment by Joanne Fedler
Secret Writers Business
Thanks for being one of the ones I kept it for.
Jo
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that men are probably at fault, most of the time, for this situation. I say this from the experience of having done it myself, when younger.
Tracy's story is especially relevant... sometimes, we ask a girl out and brace ourselves for rejection. Immature guys that get rejected will label her 'bitch' then moan about her to his friends. Personally, I think there's nothing more honest than rejection.
As men, we're somehow particularly good at badgering women. I don't know why we do this. I suspect part of it that we want to hurt the person that bruised our ego.
Men have it tough since they're usually the ones that have the onus of having to ask women out - but women are in a tough position as well, having to respond. Dating isn't easy, is it?
Comment by Joanne Fedler
Secret Writers Business
Very nice to get feedback on my book.
I think anyone who asks another person out is amazingly brave. I once told a guy I liked him and he was so astonished, I think I scared him off. He ran a million miles. Many years later he confessed that he liked me too, but by then I'd lost interest. If men hadn't asked me out, I wonder if I would have had the guts to ask them??? I guess you have to have a sense of humour about it, because rejection is inevitable at some point.
I really just can't imagine how much courage it would take for a guy in a wheelchair to ask someone out. That is kinda heroic.
Jo
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
While I can see why he might have been hurt, I personally don't really think that you did anything wrong.
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
Comment by Sara Dobson
Love Mate
Parents Precinct
The Travel Map
My Turn
I have been in a similar sort of situation, I told a guy who had been dumped and treated like crap by a girl (not me) that he was a lovely guy. I had no interest in him at all but he took that to mean I fancied him. I didn't even go on a date with him and told him over and over I only wanted to be a friend. He kept phoning and asking if I was cheating. Now I know why the girl treated him like crap because he was probably stalking her and not getting the hint any other way.
I wonder though if someone wants to something or someone really badly they have delusional thoughts that lead to selective hearing.
So I think my point is I agree you need to be assertive and just say no thanks up front. Sometimes I think girls are brought up to be too nice for their own good.
Comment by Journeywoman
Great Hair Style Tips
I Dream of Hollywood
Australian Chick
Fashion Peach
And yes, girls are brought up to be all sweetness and light - being polite above all else was definitely a part of my upbringing. If I ever have daughters myself I'm going to teach them the importance of standing up for themselves and saying what they mean.
Comment by Smooth Political