JourneywomanGuys: Take the hint!
August 11th 2008 07:51
If there's one thing that women are good at, it's subtlety. And if there's one thing that (seemingly, most) men are bad at, it's picking up on a woman's subtle hints. Perhaps that's why there are so many communication problems between the sexes: we communicate very differently. Men are known for being straightforward and saying what they mean, whereas women are more likely to drop hints rather than vocalising exactly what's on their mind. And when it comes to dating, or more specifically, turning a guy down for a date, most women would be more inclined to omit the truth in order to spare the guy's feelings than telling him, flat out, that she's not attracted to him.
Take last night, for example. I was asked out by an acquaintance who I'm not interested in as more than a friend. Rather than saying that I wasn't attracted to him, I told him that I was over guys in general and still reeling from my last relationship. Which wasn't actually true, but in my (25-year-old, female) mind it was better for me to lie than to hurt him by saying I wasn't keen. He managed to rope me into agreeing to a date anyway, and I was all set to go along with it and let him down gently at the end of the night, but then he started texting me today.
After several texts were sent back and forth, I finally worked up the courage to thumb "By the way, I'm not that into you. Is it okay if we just stay friends?" There was silence for a minute or two, then my phone beeped again. "What happened?" came the reply. I then told him, once again, that I wasn't interested in dating right now, that my ex and I had a complicated thing going on, and that I was sick of men as a whole. I even told him it was a means of self-preservation. He then texted back, "we can take it slow." This guy was just not taking the hint! Any woman would know that I was point-blank rejecting him in the nicest way possible, but men.... well, they're different, I know. I finally just said "sorry, but no" and then he kept asking me for details of my ex, where I met him, what he did to me to make me hate men so much, and so on. He was so ridiculously persistent, I was starting to become irritated by his failure to see the situation for what it was.
I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, that if a woman is telling you that she's not ready for a relationship, that she's not over her ex, or that she's sick of men for the time being - you have to accept it and move on. There's a chance that she's telling the truth, in which case you have to respect her reasons for not wanting to date you, but there's also a chance that she's lying to spare your feelings, in which case you have to take the hint and leave her alone. Despite what the movies would have you believe, women don't appreciate blind persistence. If she tells you she's not keen, then she's not keen. Her reasons are her own, and you have to respect them.
In addition, you can't talk a woman into being attracted to you. Regardless of what you say, of how great you think you'd be for her, of what great care you'd take of her and so on, you simply cannot convince a woman through words to be attracted to you. Either she is, or she isn't. Incidentally, you also shouldn't bombard her with text messages if the two of you haven't even gone on a date yet, but I hope that most guys would know that already.
Learning to take hints isn't always easy - it's like learning a whole new language, called womanese. Sometimes you have to step back and take a look at the situation for what it really is, in order to figure out what she's trying to tell you. And you won't always like what you see, but hey, that's life - you don't always get what you want, regardless of how much you think you deserve it. With women, you often need to read between the lines in order to understand what they're really saying. The sooner you realise this, the easier your dating life will become.
The communication divide: frustrating!
Take last night, for example. I was asked out by an acquaintance who I'm not interested in as more than a friend. Rather than saying that I wasn't attracted to him, I told him that I was over guys in general and still reeling from my last relationship. Which wasn't actually true, but in my (25-year-old, female) mind it was better for me to lie than to hurt him by saying I wasn't keen. He managed to rope me into agreeing to a date anyway, and I was all set to go along with it and let him down gently at the end of the night, but then he started texting me today.
After several texts were sent back and forth, I finally worked up the courage to thumb "By the way, I'm not that into you. Is it okay if we just stay friends?" There was silence for a minute or two, then my phone beeped again. "What happened?" came the reply. I then told him, once again, that I wasn't interested in dating right now, that my ex and I had a complicated thing going on, and that I was sick of men as a whole. I even told him it was a means of self-preservation. He then texted back, "we can take it slow." This guy was just not taking the hint! Any woman would know that I was point-blank rejecting him in the nicest way possible, but men.... well, they're different, I know. I finally just said "sorry, but no" and then he kept asking me for details of my ex, where I met him, what he did to me to make me hate men so much, and so on. He was so ridiculously persistent, I was starting to become irritated by his failure to see the situation for what it was.
I suppose the point I'm trying to make is, that if a woman is telling you that she's not ready for a relationship, that she's not over her ex, or that she's sick of men for the time being - you have to accept it and move on. There's a chance that she's telling the truth, in which case you have to respect her reasons for not wanting to date you, but there's also a chance that she's lying to spare your feelings, in which case you have to take the hint and leave her alone. Despite what the movies would have you believe, women don't appreciate blind persistence. If she tells you she's not keen, then she's not keen. Her reasons are her own, and you have to respect them.
In addition, you can't talk a woman into being attracted to you. Regardless of what you say, of how great you think you'd be for her, of what great care you'd take of her and so on, you simply cannot convince a woman through words to be attracted to you. Either she is, or she isn't. Incidentally, you also shouldn't bombard her with text messages if the two of you haven't even gone on a date yet, but I hope that most guys would know that already.
Learning to take hints isn't always easy - it's like learning a whole new language, called womanese. Sometimes you have to step back and take a look at the situation for what it really is, in order to figure out what she's trying to tell you. And you won't always like what you see, but hey, that's life - you don't always get what you want, regardless of how much you think you deserve it. With women, you often need to read between the lines in order to understand what they're really saying. The sooner you realise this, the easier your dating life will become.
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Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Aimzster
Health and Beauty
Reality TV
The Jeepney Stop
I agree with you about the communication - with many men, you have to say it straight out. It's frustrating because to us, it's so painstakingly obvious and sometimes I think they choose to be oblivious. I mean, take for example, last weekend when I (6 months pregnant) was lugging out the laundry into the backyard. My hubby was sitting two feet away and I was thumping and heaving and making all these noises to show that I needed help. He didn't budge. Come on, right?
Comment by Mr Nice Guy
Pop Culturist
Homer was modelled on just more than one man I suspect.
Cheers
Comment by Cibbuano
20/20 Filmsight
Science News
Hunt Famous
Orble Post of the Day
Fat Cult
Techbreak
One thing that men still think is a viable tactic: bludgeoning women with our presence until they fall for us. I don't know why we think that works. I suspect we're secretly watching romantic comedies and learning from them.
The worst part is that guys tell these stories to their friends like they're the hero and the woman is some ice-bitch.
disclaimer: that quote was completely fabricated.
Comment by Nick DL Student
You you coud nt be more RIGHT. Women DO NOT speak the same language as us men.
Guys take this Hint, in the words of the grand master, ‘Listen to them’.
The main reason for this, according to Doc is, they see every differently to the way we do. She consciously or unconsciously, is ‘working’ your ego, because she know how fragile it is. And so what happens is that what they say and what they do some times just does nt gel.
When you hear ,
“We re not the same type“, “It did nt work out”, “I’m short” .... Its all womanese and cannot be be taken as their literal meanings.
Nick, Student of DL. Brisbane.
Comment by Ren
The Blue Blog
The problem is women are often not as clear as you were throughout the whole situation, especially when they act like they are on the same page with you at some point and then seemingly suddenly back off with no explanation. You say a woman's reasons are her own, but at the very least, yes, you need to give A reason, even if it's not true. And depending on the reason given, a guy (or female like me) will sometimes think there IS something they can do, especially if they think the problem is them and not you or somebody else; in this case, they think they can "fix" what they did. These are the situations I've been in where either the situation seemed like it was my fault to fix and/or the female never would give any reasons/explanations and just stopped speaking to me altogether.
The one thing you did do wrong was say no and then back down to go out with him--it let him feel like, regardless of what you said, there was still some hope because you would not have agreed to go out otherwise. So it's not 100% right for you to act like this is all on guys not being able to take hints, particularly when women oftentimes given mixed hints. When someone likes you, the positive hints is what they're going to focus on, not the negative ones.